I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
the #horror is real!
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.