*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
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If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
so i’m at the stock market right
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.