*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
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Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
We avoided this particular disaster
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.