DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
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Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon