@Godhatespants: Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
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@joejwest: ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel? WIFE: Which one? SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
@Token_Geezer: The kids of today have no respect. They're rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and coolnnNothing at all like us...
@cwhudson: SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure PHONE: *unskippable ad plays* NURSE: he's dyin SURGEON: ah crap, hold on