@Godhatespants: Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
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@captainkalvis: [engagement party] brother: show us the ring! me: we dont have time to watch a classic horror movie Dave you dumb shit i'm gettin married
@Just_Lee_: If Bruce Willis does any more Die Hard movies it will just be 90 minutes of him sitting in a rocking chair waiting to die from the flu.
@TheRolo: *Stands in wood & sets self on fire* "OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I want to look hot on tinder.