Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
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boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”