Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
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Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins