@FrenulumBreve: [dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words 'bribe me']
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@gogglepossum: [2 monkeys in a bath] Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!! Monkey 2: If it's too hot Colin, put some cold water in
@BangMyBongo: Asking your mom, "Will there be any pretty girls coming?" Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
@seamussaid: my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I'm being very selective so she learns to have standards
@dave_cactus: ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf. HER: *giggling* So, my place or... ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers* HER: WHAT THE