[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
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In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
huge valentines day plans this year!!
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
When life hands you women, make women laid.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.