@FrenulumBreve: [dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words 'bribe me']
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@hashtag_stacks: I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
@sixfootcandy: Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door? Me: Maybe for free HBO. Cable Guy: Me: I'm kidding...sort of...not really. Cable Guy:
@ehdannyboy: *phone rings* Wife - "Quick! Pretend I'm not in!" Me - *strips naked and does running man* Wife - "...."