[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
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Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
no
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.