Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
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It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
My Guy
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
had to share :’)
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
There’s no “u” in narcissist