Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
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SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
that’s really how it is
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Kids: Stay in school.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?