“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
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2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
This is a whole mood;
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*