Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
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A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
*orders delivery*
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché