[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
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Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants