dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
You Might Also Like
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot