I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
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extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
john wicks are toilet candles
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.