5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
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I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
My dog learned how to text
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Nomnomnomnom
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice