@WheelTod: Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid's face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: If Pokémon has taught me anything it's that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it's weak enough to enslave.
@FunnyTunes: Wife :'Darling, look. I haven't worn this in 8 years and it still fits.' Hubby : It's a scarf!
@Jazzzzzmina: After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
@Kalarlis: 007 is fired, becomes a scientist. He opens meetings with, "The name's Bond, Hydrogen Bond." Everyone laughs. He cries in the supply closet.