Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
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Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL