Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
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[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
guilty
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name