At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
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911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭