Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
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If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you