DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
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“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.