Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
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i wish all
whales
a very
big
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Not even remotely sorry.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.