[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
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4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children