[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
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I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.