[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
You Might Also Like
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Saturday
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.