[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
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How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.