“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
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Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS