Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
You Might Also Like
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.