@rohmontgomery: I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who's gonna pay my bills? me? I didn't ask for this

@koalaslament: put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

@TheToddWilliams: Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?

@thenatewolf: Date: my worst fear is not living up to my own expectations. You? Me: that if I ever lay across a piano while I'm singing it won't hold me.

@kimwilliamz: The worst thing about admitting you're an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.