@KtotheK39: Divorce lawyers all over the world are rubbing their hands together in glee now that Twitter DM has a picture function.
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@Brampersandon_: [Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don't you come join me? [Lobster]: No I'm good over here. That's how my dad died.
@FrogAvalanche: Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls. Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick? Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
@SaraESpivey: When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
@man_spach: My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.