Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
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[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*