@WildeThingy: I'm white and my wife is black. I'm trying to convince her we should adopt a Chinese baby so we can tell people that's how they are made

@MariyaAlexander: My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

@70Ceeks: hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work at 39: ...finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano '98 olympic pins

@AndyRichter: Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I'm saying is Batman is a douche

@Erik_Bergstrom: Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.