How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
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*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
#CoronaOutbreak
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
what?
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.