I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
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A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
m’lady
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows