[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
You Might Also Like
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids