“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
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society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.