@YUCKYBOT: Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
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@One_FineMess: Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
@SteveSuckington: [blind date] "I'm like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex" -did you just read that off your hand? "Hey! You're not blind!"