@YUCKYBOT: Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
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@MommaUnfiltered: Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
@blade_funner: ME: *slamming desk with fist* You'll put this up over my dead body! FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It's a lovely headstone. ME: It really is.
@Thee1_4U: The snow in the front yard is melting and so far I've found 3 unopened beers. *Adds party planner to résumé*