Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
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If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
he was correct
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.