@YUCKYBOT: Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
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@demented_Ash: Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with a car, Throw you off a street so high, Hope you break your neck and die.
@AbrasiveGhost: [at wife's funeral] Son: At least shes in heaven now Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don't know shit about your mom
@JMNuch23: When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply by 3 and add the number of guys in her phone named Tyler
@mantej: I was in a gang once — we used to carry pocket knives & wear all green with blood-red bandanas around our neck. Wait, that was Boy Scouts.