Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
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boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*