Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
You Might Also Like
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Wait a second…
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Gemma Correll
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus