*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
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The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
God has left this place
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.