You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
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oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.