[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
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me hitting on a model
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended