[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
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Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Finally, a door that understands me
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.