Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
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me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this