Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
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ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
🐕🍷
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700