I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
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[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.