Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
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Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Growing out my freckles.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?