DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
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Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.