DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
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[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes