DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
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Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.