Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
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What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
this is literally a CIA plant
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*