Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
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Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
lol
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.