*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
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Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey