@Jake_Vig: "Do as many squats as you feel like, I don't want to get involved."
- impersonal trainer
@KalvinMacleod: My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
@dafloydsta: Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
@T_Bonezzz_: "Put your pants on grandma, you're scaring the reptiles!"
- Me, camping
@welfarehoe: CW: What'd you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
@VerifiedDrunk: I want my tombstone to read:
Don't feel too bad, he really liked sleeping