You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
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Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago