@Jake_Vig: "Do as many squats as you feel like, I don't want to get involved."
- impersonal trainer
“…to join these two in holy matrimony. The Ring, please?”
[Maid of Honor pops tape in VCR.]
[One week later: everyone dies.]
@DoreyZoe: My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
@Jam453Lane: Putting up Christmas decorations was a bad idea. I'm drunk and stuck on top of the house with an inflatable Easter Bunny.
@stevevsninjas: everybody's a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
@WheelTod: Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.