Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
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Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Morning.